For as long as i can remember, i have always been afraid of people, of change and of life in general. If i could have hidden from everyone and died off from the eyes of the world, i would have. Everything around me seemed like a threat to my being. With no apparent reason, my surroundings felt like a kaleidoscope of colors with ulterior motives bent on hurting me. I never felt comfortable. Despite all of that, i have led my life as if things were okay, as if my fears did not matter. So, i tried. Through all the days that never seem to end, i have grown tired, exhausted from pretending i was fine, all spent from hoping things will turn normal. I have not changed, not at all. Things are exactly as i remember them when i was younger, the exact same way that i used to see them. All my efforts and hopes to live in a world where i do not have to fear tomorrow have never managed a dent from my idiosyncrasy. Maybe i was never really meant to change. This is how
Feeling so ordinarily wide awake at 3 am. Staring at the ceiling, waiting for things to fade. When it seems to be the only thing that i could do, As all my uncertainties become surrender. My world falls apart, and i'm left crawling. But this is not something i can talk about. While it all seemed so simple and dull, It was never easy staying here somehow. The same signs at each turn of every road, Like a silly game of catching the same lie. And when the night pulls over its blanket, I scream mad at the hollow of my life. I know i need to tell you what this is about, Why the stir in my faceted demeanor, Especially when i laughed at my own joke, But maybe you don't really need to know. I tend to my own wounds marked for nothing, Ordinarily caught up in a moment of sorrow. And i close the windows to never let you see, A face that was both broken and defeated by fate. ----- 2016-09-20 @sg